Super Sperm Donors – America’s Underground Surrogacy Movement: Author Explains Her Journey

240229_Conversations_Bauman_01.mp3

Speaker 1 [00:00:04] Surrogacy has opened up incredible possibility for families. Science
and modern medicine present new options for those who are single or LGBTQ, or who
face health challenges. Our guest has a strong perspective on the world of sperm
donations.

Speaker 2 [00:00:22] But the vast majority of thanks to now is either anonymous, which
hopefully goes away because I really, truly believe anonymous sperm donation is
unethical. And open ID at 18. And that what what that means is they will tell you the name
and the identity of the sperm donor that you, that you you that the mother or father or a
couple purchased through a bank, that no way guarantees that that donor will be willing to
meet that child or maintain any kind of relationship, or even just answer questions via
email.

Speaker 3 [00:00:56] Our guest is Valerie Bauman, an award winning journalist with a
focus on health care. Now she's telling the story of people who are circumventing
traditional fertility avenues, and it's a very personal story for her.

Speaker 2 [00:01:09] Children never ask to be born. And when you meet adult children
who are born from anonymous sperm donors who have been, you know, created in a
climate of deceit and secrecy, there's a lot of heartbreak there. And I think that the industry
can do better.

Speaker 3 [00:01:25] This is conversations on health care.

Speaker 1 [00:01:36] Well, Valerie Bauman, welcome to Conversations on Health Care.

Speaker 2 [00:01:40] Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 [00:01:41] Yeah. You know, your upcoming book is titled inconceivable Super
Sperm Donors Off the Grid insemination and Unconventional Family Planning. You know,
your book is described as both a memoir and a piece of investigative reporting. I'm
wondering if you could just share with our audience what do you like about your own
story?

Speaker 2 [00:02:04] Certainly. I was it was the, you know, the first summer of the
pandemic, 20, 20. And I was 38 years old, and I realized, I was I was running out of time.
My biological clock was ticking, and it wasn't a good time to meet somebody. And, you
know, realistically, even if you meet somebody at 38, it may take a few years before you
settle down and have kids. So I decided to take the plunge and try and become a single
mother by choice. And I started looking at the sperm banks, but I didn't feel served by the
sperm banks. I wanted to give my kid more answers and they could find on a sperm
website. I wanted the possibility of meeting the donor potentially before age 18, or at least
being able to maintain contact about any medical issues that could have genetic correlate
connections that were relevant to my kid. The possibility of meeting other half siblings, you
know, became possible when I stumbled across this world that I've dubbed the world of
freelance sperm, where men offer to donate sperm through, websites, Facebook groups,
and and dating like apps. It's kind of a wild West. There's a lot of undesirable options out
there. There's a lot of creepy men doing it for the wrong reasons. But if you're patient and
you take the time, you may be able to find, as I did, a very decent, wonderful person who
was willing to donate sperm, who's willing to connect me with my kids, siblings and,

provide more information than I would ever get from a sperm bank website. He, my
personal donor, also has done donating after creating ten families. If you go through a
sperm bank, you can wind up with, you know, 50 to 100 families and many, many, many
siblings that the children can never maintain meaningful relationships with because it's just
so beyond anything a typical family structure would create. So it's not a path for everyone.
It's a path that I chose. And, I don't I don't condone nor condone it. I do tell my own story
and that of others and advise people to approach, approach it with caution and
responsibility and a lot of thoughts. So, I would hope that the story would elevate the
perspective of donor conceived people, because children never ask to be born. And when
you meet adult children who are born from anonymous sperm donors who have been, you
know, created in a climate of deceit and, secrecy, there's a lot of heartbreak there. And I
think that the industry can do better.

Speaker 3 [00:04:45] Well, Valerie, you say that this underground or perhaps
nontraditional, community of sperm donors and recipients is circumventing traditional
fertility avenues, and meeting up on their own terms. Tell us, is there anything, illegal
about doing this, anything that's considered unethical about doing this, or. This is just a
choice that people, have organized on their own? So they're a central organizing group, I
guess. Or is it people just putting themselves out there?

Speaker 2 [00:05:17] Well, it's interesting. It's a real gray area. The FDA did have one,
enforcement action that it brought against a donor over ten years ago. And he was a donor
who created his own website. He advertised, his sperm created many, many families. And
the FDA ended up cracking down on him. And. But when it came when his own lawyers
challenged it. What? Really what really it came down to was. The government is loathe to
tell people that there's a limit on their ability to procreate because he was doing it in this
donation context. They basically they basically said he would have he should be going
through a very complex, FDA approved process, which costs, you know, 6000 plus dollars,
where if you want to donate your sperm as a known donor, you should, be tested for
multiple diseases, freeze the sperm, quarantine it for six months, thaw the sperm at that
time, retest the sperm, retest the donor. And all of this a great expense to the prospective
parent for parents. And he was circumventing that because it's an absurd, you know,
insurmountable cost. And the only way to get around that under FDA law is through this
very vague definition of, of, sexual partners, essentially. And so. A lot of more liberal
fertility clinics will conceive. Consider somebody who is a former sexual partner, somebody
who's had sperm and, you know, of a donor in their body before. So if you've done one
home insemination, perhaps even when you weren't at a time of the month when you're
not going to get pregnant, that would fit the criteria. You could get around the 6000 plus
dollar requirements and then have in clinic treatment. But the FDA declined to better
define sexually intimate partners. And so unfortunately, the the vast majority of clinics in
this country conflate sexually intimate partners with romantic partners who will play a role
as a parent rather than a donor. So there's a lot of gray areas. And, this particular donor
had his operation shut down. But as far as my research, I have not been able to find any
other incidences of of cracking down on donors because, again, it's a it's a slippery slope
when you tell somebody they can only have children and this certain way or with this many
people, it brings into major questions of bioethics. And, people much smarter than me
have been debating that I and still haven't found the answers.

Speaker 1 [00:08:02] You know, Valerie, I want to pick up on the cost issue. You've talked.
You know, because you've written about the cost involved in what you call often
discriminatory world of sperm banks and fertility clinics. How much money does this cost?
And where did you find discrimination?

Speaker 2 [00:08:21] I mean, money. The cost varies because there's a number of
different procedures, different medication protocols. But, you know, sperm on average
costs around 1000 to $1200 plus, you know, so $250 to ship it to your clinic. IVF cycles
can cost between 1800 and $2600. When you add on some of the medications, it can get
upwards of like $30,000 potentially. So there's huge obstacles financially. You're just going
to be cutting out a huge portion of society. I mean, the Federal Reserve, I had a study, I
think, in the past year or two that found 50% of Americans can't afford a $400 emergency
expense. If that's your circumstance, you're not going to be able to have a child. If you
need assistance. So, so the cost is is just a recurring obstacle. Then again, I've also
interviewed, a women women who were lesbians who when they talked to their doctor and
said, my wife and I want to have children. The doctor wouldn't provide any information.
They wouldn't talk to them about sperm banks. They wouldn't they wouldn't share the
information because of homophobia and bias. I for a time, I went to a clinic that had a
slogan along the lines of, you know, creating families, one couple at a time as a single
woman. It feels a little. It feels a little bit like I'm an outsider. And I understand traditionally
most families are going to be created by couples, heterosexual couples. However, every
time I went into that clinic, they would ask me, where's your husband? When is your
husband showing up but just never registered. So as a single woman, I felt like I wasn't
being served in the same way as a traditional heteronormative family would be served.

Speaker 3 [00:10:08] Well, if you've already shown a good spotlight on some of the legal,
the financial, the medical challenges, the emotional challenges that many single women
and LGBT couples face as they set out to become parents. I'm curious, what, you and the
community of people that you've spoken with have found in terms of, religious objections?
You know, we have so much, involvement in day to day life in the country at this point of,
different religious group, different, beliefs. The Catholic Church's, reaffirmed its opposition
to birth control period. And in vitro fertilization. What's the experience of, people today? In
the community that you've talked to about how religious groups have treated this action?

Speaker 2 [00:10:56] That's an interesting question. Truthfully, it's not one that comes up
very often in the world of freelance sperm, because people don't find their way to a
Facebook page to find a sperm donor, because that was plan A. These people have gone
through grief that their family planning didn't go the way they expected, that they won't be
able to reproduce with the partner that they love, that they will have to turn somewhere
else. So usually by the time I'm interacting with them in that setting, they've made peace
that they are going to be, breaking some cultural and, yes, religious taboos. So I think at
this point, people are already making, you know, making their peace and accepting that
people aren't going to be comfortable with what they're doing. But the the biological
imperative to to have a child, to create life, to, you know, to further your family name,
there's something so powerful that it's not new and unique to humans. This is this is the
essence of being a living creature. We have a drive to procreate. And yes, as humans,
there are people who don't want to have children. But I feel like there's something unifying
and all the voices I hear from that. Religion isn't going to stand in the way of their decision
to move forward. So getting into the nitty gritty of the specific religious obstacles hasn't
really come up for me for that reason.

Speaker 1 [00:12:19] I was thinking about, as you said, giving voice to all the people that
you've met. You're both an author and a journalist. You've got this book coming out. Are
you planning to, write as a journalist on this as well, in other venues? Tell us a little bit
about, because it's a fascinating area, of a group of in large group of individuals who are
struggling with this. And, tell us about your thought process as you sort of move forward

with the rollout of the book, but also thinking about other ways to communicate. There's
very important information out to the general public.

Speaker 2 [00:12:57] Well, initially I think I wanted to write the book and not become a part
of it. I think as a journalist it gets very uncomfortable making yourself part of the story. But
in order to be truthful with my audience, I had to, you know, be transparent that this is
something I was doing as well. And I found, as a storyteller, it was just the right. It was the
right narrative to carry through the narrative spine, to kind of hold together the the collage
of different stories that I was able to put together through my, three and a half years
reporting out the book. Going forward, I think there's a lot of room in this space to continue
reporting on and writing about these issues. There is so much, happening. You know,
obviously the Alabama Supreme Court ruling is raising all kinds of questions. You know,
the reversal of Roe v Wade, a woman's right to choose isn't just about the choice to not be
a mom. It's a choice to be a mom to. We should have rights and access to our own
reproductive decisions that, too often, you know, a physician or a sperm bank can throw
up obstacles, whether they be financial or, judgmental. I also think that there's a lot of
room to discuss the evolving nature of the American family. The traditional family structure
is fantastic. I would have loved to been able to give my child a father. It didn't work out that
way. And more often you're seeing LGBTQ plus families, single women and others,
establishing unique, dynamic families. I'm very fortunate that my donor has created, a
private Facebook page where I and other parents can connect. And so the siblings meet
each other. That's an extended network of family. And my kid will grow up and have other
siblings that say, yeah, I share. I share this with my half brother or my half sister, and there
are other families that are reflected back in my world that look just like mine. And what
does that mean? And I think being more open and welcoming to other kinds of families is
always going to be a positive thing. And, I'm really curious to see where that goes and
what stories there are there.

Speaker 1 [00:15:23] Yeah, absolutely. And this is not just, as you said earlier, people are
designed to procreate, not only here in America, but across across the globe. Any anything
you've picked up internationally that's going on in terms of best practices or things that are,
troublesome?

Speaker 2 [00:15:44] Well, I think there's a lot, internationally going on. I mean, I know of
one sperm donor who was banned from New Zealand and Canada and I think Australia,
because he was very open when he was trying to enter those countries. He's an American,
saying he was just there to donate. Australia has made really interesting strides limiting the
number of, children who can be created via one individual donor to Bank. It's varies from
state to state in Australia and but, a lot of them limit 5 to 10 children per donor and they
actually require which is not required in the US tracking. So the parents who have donor
conceived children by a sperm bank must report back every birth. That is not a
requirement in the US. Banks in the US don't have any limits by law that, on how many
children can be produced by one donor. The society for Reproductive Medicine, I believe it
is suggests limiting 25 per 800,000 population area, which, if you think about it, with the
size of the U.S., that could create so many children. And so but you have this tension,
what you're seeing in Australia with the limits they're creating, there's a huge shortage of
sperm donors. And so there's the tension between costs getting driven up because there,
you know, are ethical ramifications, ethical ethical forethought about, you know, limiting
these donations. But then you have less men willing to donate, less donations available.
And so there's this kind of ethical versus financial tension. And I'm really interested to see
how that's going to play out in the US and abroad.

Speaker 3 [00:17:28] Well, Valerie, you've raised so many interesting questions. We're so
glad to have a chance to talk with you. But one of them, is that we understand, that, in the
open, donor arena that the, child has the opportunity to contact the sperm donor when
they're 18, if they wish to do so. But in the description that you've given us so far, it
sounded like people pretty much were in contact or had the option of being in contact all
along. So is this, not an opportunity, but an obligation or. People are sperm donors giving
their consent now that in 18 years, even if this child has not reached out to me, I am giving
my consent now to be contacted. Tell us more about that. And have we had enough years,
to know how this actually works out in practice?

Speaker 2 [00:18:20] So the vast majority of banks do now is either anonymous, which
hopefully goes away because I really, truly believe anonymous sperm donation is
unethical. And open ID 18. And that what that means is they will tell you the name and the
identity of the sperm donor that you, that you, that the mother or father or couple
purchased through a bank. That no way guarantees that that donor will be willing to meet
that child or maintain any kind of relationship, or even just answer questions via email.
Ultimately, if you're child number 72, knocking on this person's door because there are no
limitations on how many children can be created by one donor at a certain bank, and many
of these donors go to multiple banks, then you are never going to be either never going to
have the emotional and time bandwidth to actually engage and create a meaningful,
relationship, or just give simple answers to this child, those children, about where they
come from. And as you see in my book, that is heartbreaking and devastating for some of
these now adult donor conceived people who feel like they had this, you know, father
shaped hole or unanswered questions, and in their life and they think, oh, when I turn 18,
it's all going to come, you know? So I'll be kind of going to come clear. You know, one
woman I spoke with, she went through a six month process where she was only allowed to
interact with the donor anonymously. And, he just kept saying she was too pushy. She
wanted too much. And, you know, it's a very complex, layered process. But I think people
are not made aware that if they buy a sperm from a sperm bank, there is no guarantee that
18 your child is going to get all these questions answered. Now, I do want to say there is
work done by a fantastic developmental psychologist, Susan Colombo, out of the UK that
shows, the vast majority of outcomes for children of single mothers by choice and donor
conceived children are very positive a lot of times because these children are had with
intention. Unlike overarching stats for single mothers, they tend to have much better
outcomes in life. But you just can't predict how they're going to feel about wanting to know
the donor that helped create them. Some of them don't care. Some of them do. Some of
them desperately want a relationship. Some of them just want one meeting and that's it.
The point is, you will never know as much as you wound up different than your parents
expected you to wind up. Be prepared for your child to surprise you, and give them the
best options available to make their own decisions and have their own feelings and be
individuals, unto themselves.

Speaker 1 [00:21:04] And that's great. You know, Valerie, I want to go back. We talked a
little earlier about expenses, and then you sort of noted that, you know, people with limited
means may have trouble, covering those, but we know in 15 states require some private
insurers to cover some fertility treatment, but significant gaps in coverage remain. Do you
think policy makers should look at changes that would eliminate the challenges with
insurance?

Speaker 2 [00:21:32] Absolutely. I mean, I personally believe everyone should have the
right to access assisted reproductive care, and I think that it should be standard in the
industry. I think that, there's a lot of things that we don't do in this country, like guaranteed

paid maternity leave. We don't take care of parents. And then we look at, we look at crime
and educational outcomes and we're like, oh, why don't why is this happening? We need
to support parents better even before the child is born. And I think that making IVF
accessible and making, you know, any reproductive assistance available, including the
outrageously expensive medications, is one of the first steps. And some people, while I
believe that it's possible to go through the world of freelance sperm and take the route I did
responsibly and safely, there are a lot of women out there who aren't maybe as educated
or cautious or more desperate, and who are meeting men at motels off the side of the
highway, two hours away from where they live, and getting sperm donated without seeing
a STI test, without getting genetic testing done, without taking all the steps to protect
themselves. And by making these costs so insurmountable. We're trusting women and
couples into this desperate place because of, again, the biological imperative is not going
to go away. Society can shake its finger and say, well, you shouldn't have a kid then all
they want, but the fact is, it's going to happen and we can't just stick our head in the sand.

Speaker 3 [00:23:03] Valerie, you may have mentioned this, but if you did, I think I missed
it. I am, interested in hearing more about either ethical or legal responsibilities, of, sperm
donor to reveal genetic or biologic health issues. How much? Testing or information, in, in
the network that you're describing? How much is required in that area of the donor?

Speaker 2 [00:23:29] I mean, nothing is required. It's the Wild West. I think it's up to the
recipient to say, I only want to work with a donor who was willing to do this, but I would
also caution against assuming you're protected by going through a sperm bank. There's a
very, famous case about the Zetec sperm bank that, that used a donor for six, I think 16
years. And he produced at least 36 children that they know of. He advertised himself as,
like, having, a PhD and being this great musician, when in truth, he, he had, you know,
schizoaffective disorder and, was a convicted criminal. And so let me get let.

Speaker 1 [00:24:13] Me get one last question in. Just because I know our time's running,
but I think this is one that, lots of people would like to hear the answer to. Can you tell us
about the best way to inform children about how they were conceived, and is it necessary
conversation? And, when should it occur?

Speaker 2 [00:24:32] From all the studies that I've read and the experts, psychologists that
I've spoken with, you should start talking to your child about where they come from before
they can even speak. I'm seven months pregnant, and I'm talking to my baby about the
fact that that, a man helped me create him. I think, I'm going to be putting together a book,
a storybook that talks about who that donor is and how they came to come into the world.
You never want your child to grow up and say, I remember the moment that I found out I
was donor conceived. If it's part of their story, their origin story, for as long as they can
remember, you've done something right.

Speaker 1 [00:25:09] Let's try to take a look at what's happening down with the Alabama
Supreme Court ruling that frozen embryos are humans. The court also said that those who
destroy them can be held liable for wrongful death. What's your reaction to the decision?
What effect do you think it's having not only in Alabama but nationwide?

Speaker 2 [00:25:30] Well, I'm already seeing the effect. The effect it's having. I, I'm very
plugged into communities of, women trying it, struggling with infertility, women trying to get
pregnant, single mothers by choice or aspiring single mothers by choice. And I've seen
women from Alabama posting saying, oh my gosh, I was supposed to have an egg
retrieval, or I was supposed to have an embryo transfer, and it's been canceled because

I'm in Alabama, or I'm trying to have my embryos transferred from Alabama to another
state where there isn't going to be this kind of obstacle. But none of the companies that will
transport embryos are willing to touch anything from Alabama. So this is already created a
huge obstacle for prospective parents. And it's heartbreaking. I myself am currently seven
months pregnant. It's taken me four years to get to this point. People who get to the point
of doing IVF have huge struggles, emotional turmoil, often loss, miscarriage, and so to be
told that you can't move forward because because of the Supreme Court decision is just a
heartbreaking slap in the face.

Speaker 3 [00:26:40] And for our listeners, I think everybody knows that, IVF or in vitro
fertilization involves combining eggs and sperm outside the body to produce embryos. 2%
of U.S. births occur through IVF. U.S. Senator Tammy Duckworth, is introducing federal
legislation to protect IVF access following the Alabama decision. But I think the the
question Vallerie is, you know, one question, people you profiled in your book thought they
were doing something out of love for the good of their family and a reasonable next step,
to reach this goal in their life. Probably never expected to be part of a legal fight. What's
what's the sort of feeling on the ground in terms of shock, disappointment, anger? Tell us,
tell us more about what you're hearing from your community.

Speaker 2 [00:27:30] Sure. In my book, I talk about people who pursue a very alternative
avenue to, becoming a parent that is, finding a sperm donor on the internet via Facebook
groups, dating like apps. And, I personally found a, donor that way and then ended up
doing IVF with the assistance of that donor. But these are people who find themselves in
those situations because, the traditional route has not been working for them or they felt
left out of the traditional fertility clinic. A lot of people who are served by this underground
network of sperm donors are LGBTQ. Plus, couples or individuals, single women who
don't have a partner but want to still become parents before they run out of time and
already they feel orphaned. Not served by the traditional route to getting assistance,
assisted reproductive, treatment, and finding another obstacle. Can be thrown at them.
And then the fear that it's not just going to be Alabama, this could spread across the
country, is terrifying. I think so many people feel disenfranchized. They have so little
choice. They they have so many gatekeepers determining whether or not they can be
parents. It's no longer up to them. They have. It's all in other people's hands. And so to
add one more layer of that, we're in some cases, people's opportunity to become parents
is literally being stolen from them. They have spent tens of thousands of dollars to produce
embryos and can't do anything with them. That that's a that's a loss that they will grieve for
the rest of their lives.

Speaker 3 [00:29:15] Valerie Bauman, thanks for joining us. The book is inconceivable.
The publisher is Union Square and Company, and it's available for preorders right now.
And thank you to our audience for being here. Be sure to subscribe to our videos on
YouTube, find us on Facebook and under our account name, T radio. And as always, go
online to CHC Radio.com to sign up for our email updates. You can also share your
thoughts and your comments about this program with us. Valerie, thank you again so
much, for taking the time to meet with us today and share your story.

Speaker 2 [00:29:48] Thank you.

Speaker 3 [00:29:52] This copyrighted program is produced by conversations on Health
Care and cannot be reproduced or retransmitted in whole or in part, without the express
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